MY FELLOW AMERICANS...

So there's this online meme going around where you're supposed to shuffle your iPod and see how long it takes for a song to come up that would disqualify you from successfully campaigning for President. I figured this could go one of two ways:

A) Near-immediate disqualification, because my iPod contains 38 albums by Los Tigres Del Norte, who are dirty Mexicans always singing about drug smuggling and illegal immigration (in Spanish, no less), and the entire discography of Cannibal Corpse, who write songs like "Fucked With A Knife" and "Stripped, Raped And Strangled," or

B) A long stretch of seeming innocence, since my iPod also contains hundreds of jazz CDs, almost all of which are entirely instrumental - it's much more likely that it's gonna spit out something real pretty by Miles Davis or John Coltrane than, say, Archie Shepp shouting about Malcolm X.

So I gave it a shot just now, and I made it to six songs. Here we go:

1. Tigger, "Boombastic" (King Jammy's Selectors Choice). Dancehall, but the lyrics are free of "slackness" (sex talk), so it's OK.
2. The Ramones, "I Want You Around" (Rocket To Russia reissue). The Ramones, yes, but it's a love song.
3. Bad Brains, "I Luv I Jah" (Bad Brains, aka The Yellow Tape). Risky, this one. On the one hand, it's a reggae song about loving Jah. On the other hand, the cover art is a giant lightning bolt striking the Capitol dome. Call it a toss-up and leave it to the judges. I'm gonna move on, though.
4. ZZ Top, "Blue Jean Blues" (Fandango!). This one could actually win me votes in Texas and other states. ZZ Top are national heroes. Moving on...
5. Motörhead, "Capricorn" (No Sleep 'Til Hammersmith). One of the very few Motörhead songs not about war, the lies of politicians, or sex. Whew!
Finally, we get to the deal-breaker:
6. Black Flag, "Forever Time" (My War). Again, scary/objectionable cover art, and then there's the lyric - "It's time to look into my eyes one last time." Can't have presidential candidates with songs about killing one's girlfriend/lover on the ol' iPod.

(Note: Song #7 was "Controlling," by Shitstorm, from the new This Comp Kills Fascists, and #8 was "Mouthful Of Grass," by Free, from a best-of. Oh, well.)