BLACK FLAG HAIR TIMELINE

Are you an aging punk-rock doofus? Then check this out and laugh till you cry at your own decrepitude and obsolescence.

YOU DON'T WANT MY JOB

Promo text from the back of a CD I received in today's mail:

[Band Name Goes Here] is a 5 piece melodic hardcore band from Orange County, CA. The group began in the summer of 2003 when vocalist Jesse Barnett was inspired to form a band that would provide him with a medium to project his view points and reflect his musical influences. [Band] blends melody, heaviness, and sincerity into one solid sound that will cater to fans of Comeback Kid, Throwdown, Ignite and Rise Against. When Ash Avildsen of Sumerian Records first noticed the band, he put them on as the opener for Ignite's Anaheim House of Blues show that drew over 850 people. After the incredible response and passionate performance, he immediately signed the band on as their agent and the hype began to spread all of the country. [Band] then completed a Westcoast tour w/Caliban and The Acacia Strain as well as a 7 week co-headline tour w/Too Pure to Die and As Blood Runs Black. [Band] STYG headlined all of the Texas and California shows with all of the turnouts being between 300 and 500 kids. [Band] also holds the record for the highest attendance ever at the Chain Reaction in Anaheim, Orange County's premier all ages venue. Even before signing to Sumerian Records, the amount of momentum behind the band was so powerful that they were chosen to open a Terror tour that also featured The Warriors and All Shall Perish. With the momentum that [Band] created, they caught the attention of almost every independent label in the music community. Rather than jump directly into a record deal, the band continued their relentless touring schedule and headlined a 6 week US tour that firmly planted their stake in the US touring business by drawing on average 400 people a night. The tour ended in San Diego at an New Years Eve show where over 1,200 people were in attendance. [Band]'s diehard touring work ethic combined with their passionate and infectious live show will undoubtedly bring the band success and many exciting opportunities in 2008 including a massive US tour with good friends As Blood Runs Black as well as a large portion of the 2008 Warped Tour

Band name excised because, despite the offensively bad and boring language reproduced above, I will probably wind up assigning a feature on this group to a freelance writer in the semi-near future.

GENE SIMMONS: KINDA LIKE JESUS

My buddy Steve Smith has an interesting post up on his blog about the thrill he recently got doing a phoner with former Kiss guitarist Ace Frehley. I had a similar experience a few years ago, when I contributed to the Ozzfest tour book (which was being assembled by the editors of Alternative Press) and got a phone call at home from Tony Iommi. At that point, I'd been a freelance music critic for something like eight years already, but it didn't matter; I reverted back to age 15 the instant I heard that voice on the other end of the phone.

That wasn't the most interesting thing about Steve's post, though; I was most intrigued by his description of how he became a Kiss fan, because it pretty much matched up with how I'd always imagined that process would work.

I've never been a Kiss fan, and I've always suspected that in order to become one, it's best if you come in blind, so to speak - if you're young enough to not really know much about rock music, then Kiss's blend of (admittedly) catchy hard rock and over-the-top, kid-friendly showbiz (explosions! armor! cartoon demon makeup!) would appeal to you on an almost visceral level. But I missed that window, and consequently never became a Kiss fan. I spent my early-rock-fan years (say, between 8-12) listening to Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Van Halen, and punk rock - Dead Kennedys, Black Flag, Flipper. In fact, I bought my first-ever Kiss album about a month ago - the two-CD set Gold, which covers 1974-82 pretty handily. (It has most of the songs I'd already heard of going in, and certainly all the ones I actually wanted to hear.) Experienced purely as music, they're not bad - relatively catchy hard rock with boneheaded lyrics in one of two modes: single-entendre sex anthems, or goofy power-of-positive-thinking anthems. But I think I'd still rather listen to any number of other '70s hard-rock/proto-metal bands. Serious Kiss fandom is like any other religion - if you don't get caught up in it when you're young, with your critical faculties not yet fully formed, it's probably not gonna happen for you.

THIS WEEK IN THE SCENE

BARONESS, CONVERGE, THE RED CHORD, GENGHIS TRON
Peabody's, 4/3
Baroness' Red Album is one of the best psychedelic hard-rock albums of the past few years. Calling it "metal" would be a stretch, but it is heavy and engaging. The real question is, why is Baroness headlining over these other three bands? [Actually, they weren't; Converge was.] Converge is one of the most forceful — not to mention assaultive — mathcore/metalcore groups around, with Jake Bannon's bloody-throated shrieking the perfect complement to his bandmates' jagged riffing. Genghis Tron's second album, Board Up the House, is much better than its debut record. But like Baroness, the band isn't exactly a metal one. Between the programmed drums and blurting, zapping analog synths, it's more like intelligent dance music with Cookie Monster vocals and random bursts of guitar. Meanwhile, the Red Chord plays ultra-complex, thoroughly pop-unfriendly mathcore, with tons of spazzy soloing and a relentless, pummeling vibe that's exhausting to listen to on CD. Imagine it at concert volume. Without a doubt, this is one of the most genuinely multifaceted heavy-rock bills on the road in some time. No matter what you're into — from stoner-ish groove to nerve-attenuating rhythmic shifts — you'll find something to like. And probably something to hate.

UNJUSTLY FORGOTTEN THRASH

I've been listening to a whole lot of thrash, old and new, in recent months, and it's bringing a whole bunch of bands back to my mind after long absences. Even that wasn't enough to make me recall Rigor Mortis, though; it wasn't until I did a recent phone interview with Ministry's Al Jourgensen, discussing the band's upcoming farewell tour, and he mentioned "Mikey, our guitarist," referring to Mike Scaccia, formerly of RM, who joined Ministry in time for the Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste tour, making his studio debut on the "Jesus Built My Hotrod" single and the subsequent Psalm 69 album.

It's clear from "JBMH" and its B-side, "TV Song," that what attracted Jourgensen to the Texan guitarist was his sheer blinding speed, which, for my money, is best demonstrated on the five-song Freaks EP that RM released between their self-titled (and inexplicably major-label-sponsored) debut CD, in 1988, and 1991's swan song, Rigor Mortis Vs. The Earth. It's five songs (six if you count "Six Feet Under" and "Worms Of The Earth" separately, even though they're a single CD track) in 26 minutes, and features some of the most hypnotically head-down, carpal-tunnel-inducing guitar this side of Orthrelm's OV or Behold...The Arctopus. Seriously, I can't believe Scaccia's fingers didn't just fly right off. Nobody else in the band is playing at nearly his level; sure, they're just as fast as he is, but their work doesn't have the weird little fillips his does. The drummer just pounds away in an almost D-beat fashion, and the bassist does that a-million-of-the-exact-same-note thing that's the thrash equivalent of a jazz bassist just walking while everybody else solos. The vocalist is okay, but nothing special. Ultimately, this EP (and Rigor Mortis's entire discography) is all about the breathtaking guitar work.