IT SEEMED FUNNY AT THE TIME

I wrote this (some time before that McSweeney's thing that circulated recently), so I might as well post it.

LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS ABOUT THE 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

DEMOCRATS
HILLARY CLINTON: Has the same lower-belly tattoo as Asia Argento.
BARACK OBAMA: Rehearses all speeches by delivering them to a life-sized cardboard figure of Detective Harris (Ron Glass) from Barney Miller.
JOHN EDWARDS: Wears an ampallang.
BILL RICHARDSON: Has Alec Baldwin's Glengarry Glen Ross monologue memorized, and makes his wife play the Jack Lemmon role as foreplay.
JOE BIDEN: Helped Paris Hilton hack into Lindsay Lohan's e-mail account.
CHRIS DODD: Has a complete collection of Micronauts action figures, vehicles and accessories.
DENNIS KUCINICH: Is actually a 13-year-old girl suffering from Cockayne syndrome.
MIKE GRAVEL: Is the oldest competitive breakdancer in the U.S.

REPUBLICANS
RUDY GIULIANI: Entertains campaign staff by tearing empty beer cans in half with his teeth.
JOHN McCAIN: Eats nothing but venison jerky, shipped to his campaign stops daily by Ted Nugent.
MITT ROMNEY: Has a parasitic twin.
SAM BROWNBACK: Has written several Wikipedia entries on 16th Century French poets, including Jean Lemaire de Belges, Pierre de Ronsard and Louise Labé.
TOM TANCREDO: Is Mexican.
RON PAUL: Came in third in an air-drumming contest at the 2002 RushCon in Toronto.
FRED THOMPSON: Has written 36 Mack Bolan books.
TOMMY THOMPSON: Played Pat Benatar's father in the "Love Is A Battlefield" video.